Meeting someone new often comes with the usual small talk, and one of the most common questions people ask is, “What do you do?” While this might seem like an easy icebreaker, it can actually be problematic. Our work influences our identity even when we are not at our jobs, but not everyone can or wants to work, making this question insensitive at times. Since work plays such a significant role in many people’s lives, it’s easy to get caught up in defining ourselves by our careers, but that is not a positive assumption to make about someone you are just meeting.
It Feels Transactional
Asking someone about their job right away makes the conversation feel transactional, as if their worth is tied to their profession. It’s a question that often leads to surface-level discussions. More importantly, it assumes that a person’s job defines them, which isn’t always the case.
This question also may make some people uncomfortable. For example, not everyone is employed. Some people are between jobs, retired, or unable to work due to disabilities or personal circumstances. By immediately asking about their job, you might unintentionally make them feel judged or excluded.
Overused & Uninspired
Further, this question can come across as really asking, “Who do you know?” or “How can you help me?” These are not the questions that you want to be asking someone new. It can also be perceived as indirectly asking about material wealth.
Since many people often open with this question, it can feel bland and like you don’t care, either. There are many more ways to create more personal conversation.
What To Ask Instead
If you want to foster a deeper, more meaningful connection, consider asking open-ended questions that allow the other person to share more about themselves beyond work. Here are some great alternatives:
- What’s been lighting you up lately?
- What brings you here?
- Have you been here before?
- How do you know the host?
- What’s a recent experience that made you happy?
- What’s a book, movie, or show you’ve really enjoyed recently?
These types of questions encourage conversation that isn’t dependent on someone’s employment status. They also help people feel seen for who they are, not just for what they do for a living.
FAQ
Why is it rude to ask someone what they do?
It can come across as impersonal, judgmental, or even exclusionary. Not everyone is employed, and some may feel uncomfortable discussing their job status, especially if they are between jobs or unable to work.
What are better questions to ask instead of “What do you do?”
Try asking about interests, passions, or experiences, such as “What do you love spending your time on?” or “What’s something exciting in your life right now?” These questions invite more engaging and inclusive conversations.
How does work influence identity, and why should we be mindful of it?
Many people tie their self-worth to their careers, which can be unhealthy. By focusing on non-work-related topics, we allow space for individuals to be valued for who they are rather than what they do.
What if someone asks me what I do, and I don’t want to answer?
You can redirect the conversation with humor or curiosity. Try saying, “Oh, I do a lot of things! But lately, I’ve been really into [hobby or interest]. What about you?” This shifts the focus away from work and onto a more engaging topic.
Final Thoughts
There are instances where this question is perfectly appropriate, like at a work related function, but even then, I wouldn’t recommend using it as an ice breaker. In a social or business setting, once the other person brings up work, you can consider that an open door to ask work related questions. For example, if you ask someone how their weekend was, and they say they spent it on a big work project, chances are they are comfortable with some level of conversation about the project since they brought it up. Rethinking small talk can reveal so much more about who someone truly is, and opens the opportunity for better connection and kinder conversation.
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Alison